“Workers’ Voices” is a series on A Better Balance’s blog highlighting the firsthand experiences of workers from across the country. For some workers we are in touch with, they are covered by federal, state, or local workplace protections that make a world of difference in their ability to care for themselves and their loved ones. For others, their experiences highlight the glaring gaps that remain in our laws.
The below is a story from Rebeca, a NICU mom who shared her story to advocate with A Better Balance.
I have been a Postpartum Registered Nurse for 11 years, caring for patients after they give birth – including parents with infants in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU). After 5 years in this specialty, I became a NICU mother myself in 2020 when my son was born at 32 weeks.
My pregnancy was complicated by preterm labor at 25 weeks, so giving birth at 32 weeks seemed like an accomplishment at that moment. But I was not prepared for the lack of support that came afterward, as I tried to be present during this time and bond with my new baby.
My son was in the NICU for three weeks. During this time, I was recovering from birth, carrying my medication and postpartum care products in my bag as I visited him twice a day, since I wasn’t able to stay with him in the NICU overnight in order to get rest. Because I had been struggling with preterm labor precautions for the previous seven weeks, I hadn’t been able to prepare my home for my baby until after he was born. In between daily visits to the NICU to make sure I was there for every medical update, I was also trying to set up supplies for when he came home. On top of this, I was managing my uncertainty and fear at the beginning of a global pandemic, all while trying to bond with my baby.
For those twenty-one days, I felt myself split apart into many pieces trying to manage everything all by myself. This is when I learned firsthand the struggles that many don’t see when they look at NICU parents like me. People may see the emotional stress, the fear, the anxiety, the prayers that my baby will be okay. But they don’t always see the utter lack of support in place for NICU families.
“For those twenty-one days, I felt myself split apart into many pieces trying to manage everything all by myself. This is when I learned firsthand the struggles that many don’t see when they look at NICU parents like me.”
My husband wanted nothing more than to be by his son’s side while he was in the NICU and to be able to support his wife while she recovered from birth and made trips back and forth to the hospital. But at the time, California’s statewide program offered six weeks of paid family leave for bonding with a new baby, and as a result, we had to make the choice between him taking that time off while our son was in the hospital, or after he was discharged home. We decided that we’d be able to get the most out of that time if he continued working and saved his leave for after our son came home. It was the best decision for us, but it set us up for even more struggles and left me feeling alone during this time, all because our laws and systems let too many NICU parents fall through the cracks during one of the most urgent, intense, and stressful times of our lives.
Once our son was discharged from the hospital, I felt relieved, but also longed for the chance to truly bond with my baby. As my husband drove us home from the hospital, I sat in the back seat feeling disconnected, like the baby next to me was one of my patients, and not my son. After all of this stress, I felt little joy during what was supposed to be the most fundamental time in my transition to motherhood. I was diagnosed with postpartum depression – something many NICU parents face, as they’re more likely to experience postpartum mental health disorders.
With the help of a therapist and the full support of my husband, I was eventually able to begin bonding with my son in the way I had always wanted to. I ended up spending most of the paid family leave I’d hoped to use for bonding to seek care for my postpartum depression.
Our time to build a strong family foundation was spent just trying to survive emotionally – and I know we’re not alone among parents of NICU babies.
If my husband and I had access to extended NICU leave, we wouldn’t have had to do the mental math of weighing what parts of the first few months of our son’s life we could afford to be present for. My risk of postpartum depression would’ve been lower, my husband would’ve been able to be at our son’s side during his first few weeks of life, and most importantly, our son would have been able to have the best support possible with both of his parents at his bedside.
My son is now six years old. I am reminded of the lack of support our country offers NICU families every time I look back on my first year of motherhood, as well as every time I care for another NICU parent as their postpartum nurse. We all deserve more.